Happy Chef, Happy Food

"But your soup ladle makes a perfect tire lever"

Cyclists. They eat a lot. They need to. While individual caloric needs vary, it is not unusual for an average cyclist to burn 6000 calories during a single ride. This is on top of the base requirements for day to day living.

With such huge requirements common sense should tell you that every rider should aspire to be on the kitchen crew’s good side. Do remember, not only do we cook your food, we serve it too. Ever wonder why you got the scraggly chicken wing, when the guy next to you got the nice plump breast? Luck of the draw is rarely the answer.

In the interest of everyone’s happiness in the years to come here at TDA I have compiled a short list for all future cyclists. Read it, memorize it — then put what you’ve learned into action. Remember — “He who controls your breakfast, controls your destiny.”

Top 7 Ways to Piss off the Kitchen Crew:

1) Sit in the kitchen. If you ever find yourself asking us, “am I in your way here?” The answer is yes.
2) Ask “What’s for dinner?”
3) Leave your bicycle anywhere near the kitchen.
4) Ask “Where’s the soup?” The soup is in the same pot everyday. That pot is in the same spot everyday. Try to memorize that spot.
5) Ask “Is the soup ready yet?” If the soup pot isn’t in the soup spot, it’s not ready yet.
6) Ask us questions regarding bicycles. Our favourite: “Do you know where the good bike pump is?” We don’t ride bikes. We don’t touch bike pumps. We have no idea what the good bike pump looks like.
7) Leave your dish kit lying around the kitchen. I’m sorry. I haven’t seen your spoon. The next time I see your mug I’m throwing it in the bush.

But fear not. It’s not all piss and vinegar on this side of the stove. Remember that guy who got that nice chunk of chicken? He got a choice cut yesterday too. If you’re looking for a more generous scoop tomorrow, here are a few simple and surefire tips.

1) Help out in the kitchen.
(A) Peel garlic: we all love the stuff. But if you think we’re gonna spend all day peeling for a group of 80 you’re sadly mistaken. Dan S. has earned a permanent spot in the good books for his efforts in this department.
(B) Mix milk: mixing milk is not something that gets more fun with time. We’re a little over it to be honest. Eric D. is the milk mixing champion.
(C) Chop onions, scrub potatoes, ‘tip and tail’ beans — it’s not all glory jobs in this kitchen. In fact, there’s no shortage of menial tasks. Help is always welcome. There are a few usual suspects in this department; Rod, Julianna, Marcel, Stuart all come to mind, but I have missed many.
2) Do a good job when your turn for dish duty arrives. Don’t whine. If you can’t do a good job, hire Steve.
3) Say thanks.
4) Buy us a beer.

-James McKerricher